I found a lump in my breast.
I think hearing this, or saying it aloud to myself was one of the hardest things I've done. I imagine it's right up there with hearing, "I've been having an affair," and "I think you need to get checked out." The kick in the stomach reaction is unlike anything I'd felt before.
More curious to a person like me, who does a lot of "in my head" stuff, was the inherent rationalization I started doing as soon as I felt it. "Let's ride it out and ignore it, and hope it goes away," was the prevalent thought. Then one night, as I lay next to my husband, I whispered in his ear to feel my breast, that I thought something was there. When he noticed it, then my rationalization crumbled and I had to face other possibilities.
I found the lump in April and after a week of thinking, I made an appointment. My doctor was a total ass and I've since found a new one. Basically, he also does Botox and unknown to me, the day I scheduled to see him was Botox day. He was so overwhelmed with injecting sagging skin with botulism that he was quite harried when he saw me. He couldn't spare the time to do a brief assessment then offhandedly said "it's either benign or we'll need a biopsy." Thanks for the ramp up, doc. Perhaps if you'd looked at me, you would have seen I was still capable of showing emotion on my face and the very thought of going for a mammogram at 34 was scaring the shit out of me. Now I have to wonder not only whether the lump was something to worry about, but if it is, that it could be cancer. The very thing I've been dreading.
I have a new doc, now.
It turns out that the lump was nothing. No mass, no cyst, nothing. Because pain is present I was told it definitely isn't cancer. Definite statements like that make me uneasy. My mother had cancer and for years they told her since there was pain it was nothing to worry about. She died January 2005.
My life motto has recently been, "Life is not a dress rehearsal." It's not, ya'll. You're skipping through your days and then you feel a lump... and then you look at your life and make decisions based on knowing time is indeed of the essence. So get your mammograms, do your monthly checks and live your life to its fullest.
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